Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
