I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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