I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
