I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
You're a waste of cheezeits
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
