There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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