You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
