my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
