oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Randomize
