I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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