U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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