took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
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