I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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