I hate all girls vehemently.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
