this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
