I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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