Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
