He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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