Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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