last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Randomize
