A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
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