R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Randomize
