You work out of a Hotel?
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
