All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
