I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
