White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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