I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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