So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Hello my rib-scented angel!
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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