I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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