We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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