I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Randomize
