Im at strip club and am horny
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Randomize
