OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
