Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
We left the knife in your bed.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
