I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
We discussed how the marijuana was making the dopamine float around our nucleus accumbens last night when we were high. Yet another example of how our science classes are perverting our good times.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
