peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I wish there were birth control emojis
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Randomize
