dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
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