Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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