So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Randomize
