god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
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