I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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