In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
