I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
