she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
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he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
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I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
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