Do you still have your period?
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
