I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Randomize
