Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Randomize
