your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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