Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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