Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
