i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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