i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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