i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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