Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I did not marry a roomba.
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