she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize
