I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
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