he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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