That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
