wat bout pragnant strippers??
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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